15 Ways Fathers Can Be Involved in Fathering

Teaching

Teaching includes disciplining, fostering independence, teaching responsibility, answering questions, and assisting in gaining new skills. It is an important part of mentoring work. This story is about a father who taught his sons a lesson about being in control of things that happen to him in order to help build his independence.

"We would put up hay in that field. Dad and a five year old. But the field was off limits to me when dad was not around. Off limits, not because of any mandate from dad, but because it was the home of a very large gander--a very mean gander. The field was his territory and he protected it jealously from all comers except dad, from whom he would flee. On the occasions when I would try to cross the field, thinking that he was not there, he would surely arrive and chase me as fast as he could go, until I crossed the fence. He was mean. He would peck at me. He would screech at me. One day dad saw me crossing the field, when the gander attacked me as I fled across the field. Upon returning to dad, he was upset. He told me that I should act like a man -- that I should not let any goose chase me. He instructed me to give the gander no quarter. He instructed me to take a big stick with me the next time that I crossed the field. Armed with the stick, I began to cross the field. Not long thereafter, I heard the gander in pursuit. I turned, and as he arrived I swung the stick, striking him in the head. He seemed startled. Confused. He was not knocked our, but was clearly disoriented. From his perspective, there was clearly something new--and something that he had not counted on. The next time I crossed the field, he screeched, but did not pursue. I was now in charge, not him. Following one little instruction from dad had changed my life and my perspective. I could control things that happened to me."

This story, an example of ethical work, tells of a father who taught his son about responsibility through discipline.

"I think that I was kind of like Matt [his son] when I was younger--I was always in trouble. That's what my mother said. I remember that I got expelled from school in the sixth grade. The teacher and I didn't get along, and she didn't like me much. I got good grades all through school, but once school work was done in grade school if there wasn't anything to do, then I usually got in trouble. Anyway, I got expelled and I thought, "Ooh, Dad is going to kill me!" I thought it was neat getting expelled until I had to go home. Anyway, we had to go back and talk to the principal and I was expelled for four days. I had to clean every rabbit pen and pig pen. He put me to work. But I remember that we had to go back and talk to the principal and teacher. I thought that they were just going to rake me over the coals, and so would my parents, but he didn't do that. He went in and I guess understood what I was like, and I remember that he said to the teacher, "Respect begets respect." I'll never forget that. I was only in sixth grade, but maybe if she didn't respect my feelings then I wouldn't respect hers. It shocked me. He stood up for me, even though what I did was wrong. He made sure I knew that, but he also didn't abandon me and go to the other side."

This story describes how a father taught his child honesty.

"I was in the ninth grade and had some heavy duty math homework. Ninth grade math was not easy for me. I struggled with the problems and often looked to the back of the book for help. In the back of every math book the answers to all the odd numbered problems are found. These answers are to help students with the concepts and allow them to work the even-numbered problems on their own. One evening when dad was checking my homework, he noticed that I was getting half of the problems right and half of them wrong. Dad began to ask questions and I told him I didn't understand the concepts in the book. I told Dad I was looking in the back of the book for answers. Now before I tell you what Dad did, let me preface this by saying, I think there was a lot weighing on his mind that day and Dad was stressed about something besides me. I couldn't see this at the time and maybe that's why it affected me so much. After I explained to Dad what I did, he sat back in his chair and got the most disappointed look on his face and began to cry!! Can you believe it? He cried and cried and told me how disappointed he was in me and that I was lacking integrity when I cheated like that. It just about killed me. I really looked up to my dad and didn't want to hurt or disappoint him. After that incident I never 'cheated' from the back of the book again. Although I can't say my math grades improved much after that, my Dad taught me a lesson more valuable than math. Dad taught me personal integrity is more important than anything else. Dad lives by this rule and has more integrity than any man I know."

Monitoring

Monitoring means being aware of a child's safety, health, schoolwork, friends, dating partners, and whereabouts. The first story is about a father that was aware of his young daughter's problem with other children.

"The most painful experience I've had with Trina is when she was about three or four. We were living in a neighborhood where kids would tell her that they could not play with her because she did not have a white face. They would spit on her even though I was standing there, because she was black; . . . That hurt. It had nothing directly to do with her, but it hurt. It's painful for me because I thought I had marched, been spit on, kicked, beat up, jailed, called all kinds of names in the 1960s, and through the civil rights movement so that this should not be happening. . . . If it was said to me that would be fine, but not to my kids, not to my wife. I learned that I had to prepare my kids to deal with all kinds of people no matter where they are. Also, to understand that it's not their problem and they shouldn't take the other person's problem, who is bigoted or narrow-minded, away from them and put it on themselves."

An example of relationship work, this story tells of how a father made sure his teenage daughter was safe.

"When I was in high school and dating different guys, my dad would always wait up for me when I came home from my dates. He waited up not only to make sure I got home safely, but he also wanted to hear about my dates. He was interested in my life. He became involved with me when I needed help with homework. Last semester, I was having a hard time in my math class. My dad sat down with me and showed me many things on his calculator and ways to use it that would help me for my final exam. He was willing to help any time I had a question. In fact, he was the one who offered to help me before I even asked him. This showed to me that my dad really wants to be involved with me."

This story deals with a father that was aware of his son's needs, even though his son was no longer a child. It is a great example of stewardship work.

"Seven years ago I was in a partnership in construction and it went sour. The company got into a bad situation and, without going into a lot of detail, the bottom line was that I left. All I had known was construction for five or six years, since I'd been home from my mission [for his church]. I didn't know anything else, and I'd soured on it from what happened. Basically what ended up happening is that I ended up losing a home from it, was unemployed, and didn't have money. I learned from my family that they are survivors. You face situations. Nothing is ever critical. There's always a tomorrow. You're not going to die, etc. Yes, it might be important or a sticky situation, but you'll face it and tomorrow you'll go on. For the first time in my life, I didn't feel like there was a tomorrow. I had no money. I had bill collectors coming to the door. When it really got to me was when I realized that I didn't have enough money to buy a loaf of bread to feed my wife and my one child at the time. When you are put into situations like that, you lose all self-confidence and all feelings of self-worth. You're just devastated and you really feel like you're not worth anything. It was at that time, we realized that we didn't have enough money to buy a loaf of bread. My father could sense that something was wrong. They didn't know how bad it was and they didn't know what the situation really was, but they just showed up with some groceries. They acted as if "We don't know what you need, but we have some extra and here it is." It's probably one of the few times that I've cried in front of my father."

Thought Processes

Thought Processes include worrying, dreaming, planning, evaluating, and praying for a child. The first story speaks of a father's worry about his son at the birth of his younger sister, wondering if a new sibling will change their father-son relationship. It is a great example of relationship work.

"I think an experience when I felt especially close with Bryton, [first child] was when Brittany was being born, [second child], because I remember thinking how could I love another child as much as I love the first one? I remember talking with him, not that he could understand me, but I think he knew that I was sleeping right beside him, and I just told him that I loved him and that I was a bit concerned what would happen when the other child came. I felt bad for him that someone else was coming in and that it might interfere with our relationship or with how I felt with him because he was the first child. I felt really close to him, I didn't want anyone else to come in and change things."

This story is about a father's prayer for his daughter when she was having a really hard time.

"I was having a very difficult time accepting the fact that I had to leave all my friends and school activities in Huntington Beach and move to Washington. I still had two years left in high school and I was feeling very cheated that I had to leave behind all that I loved and start over again. One night I was particularly upset--more than usual. I was crying almost uncontrollably and went to my mom and sister for consolation. I pleaded with them and tried to tell them that I just couldn't move. I did not know how I could handle it. I felt as though I was in the depths of despair. They could offer no sympathy for me because they saw my display as childish and selfish. I wasn't the only one moving but I seemed to be only concerned with my own problems. I felt even more desperate and just sort of collapsed on the couch in my sobbing. I didn't really remember falling asleep but I remembered being awakened much later by my father. He was gentle and soothing. I didn't say anything and he simply had compassion on me. He said that if there were any other way they could make it easier on me they would. Then he asked if we could say a prayer together. He said a sweet prayer that I might be okay through the move. Then I went back to sleep. From that time on my attitude began to change 180 degrees."

Sometimes it takes an event such as death to make a father truly evaluate himself, as in this story of spiritual work.

"Two years after I left home to go to college, my 18-year-old brother committed suicide. It was very devastating for our whole family for a long time, but especially for my father. In the letter, my dad says that after this event he realized what a negative effect his harsh, unfeeling attitude must have had on us children. He felt that he had killed my brother and that this could have been prevented had he expressed more of his love and feelings. Throughout all of the trials, my father has realized how important his family is to him. Since my brother's death, my 'new and improved' father has been able to reveal his weaknesses to us children and express his intimate feelings, allowing us to grow closer to him. Because of my brother's death, my dad is no longer a stranger to emotion and I think he has learned how to understand and show his feelings. I'm sure my dad felt hurt, sadness, fear, warmth, affection, closeness, and for the first time was able to claim and recognize these emotions for what they were."

Errands

Errands involve such things as driving, picking up items, and making calls for the child. The following two stories are good examples of relationship work. The father in this story helped his son with a school assignment by taking him to one of his professional meetings.

"I was doing research, probably when I was a freshman in college or senior in high school, and I wrote a paper on regional medical programs. I chose this off-the-wall political topic and [my father] was involved in regional medical program planning for the federal government at the time. We rode up to Sale Lake City and I watched him in some board of directors meeting, and watched them transact the business. Then we talked about it on the way home and it was just kind of nice. We talked about that and other things, and we were just close. It's just that I had him all to myself and we were riding home together, and we were generally talking about the future and things that we were doing, lessons that we had learned, things that he had done as a kid, etc."

This story is about a father who provided comfort for his child by being there for his medical exam.

"At a very young age, I knew my father loved me. In the middle of my fourth grade year, I started having intense migraine headaches. I had my eyes checked many times and found that I did need glasses, but my vision was changing so quickly that the doctors thought that possibly there were other problems. I was sent immediately to Primary Children's Hospital, to be checked for a brain tumor. On the day scheduled for my testing, my mom was unable to come to the hospital with me and so it was arranged for my dad to come. It was a scary time for our family, and I remember being very nervous and really not understanding what was going on. We went to the hospital, and I was given a lot of shots that go along with having a CAT scan. We were there for hours, but most of the time I was sleeping inside the big machine. I don't remember what happened most of the time, but I do remember waking up and seeing my dad, along with all the doctors, through the glass window. It was weird for me to have all those people looking at and studying me, but having my dad there was very comforting. After we left the hospital, we spent the rest of the day walking around the capital building and just spending time together. It was an experience I have never forgotten and know I will never forget. My father was showing me that day, how concerned and involved he was and still is, in my life. He showed me reverence and respect by being there for me when I was frightened and helping me through that new experience. I gained a lot of respect for him that day, and looking back to that time, I realize that he was not afraid to take on the role of caring for his children . . . This is what makes my relationship with my dad go great; I have no doubt that he loves me and is constantly concerned with my well-being."

Caregiving

Caregiving means feeding, bathing, clothing, changing diapers, caring for a sick child, and tucking a child into bed. Putting a child to bed is one way fathers strengthen their relationship while caring for their children.

"In the division of labor in our home it has fallen upon me to put the 18-month old baby of our family to sleep at night. Emily and I feel so close to each other at this time on the edge of dreams... I take her in my arms and we say a prayer thanking God for the beautiful world and her wonderful family and for each sibling and parent and grandparent and everything else. . . and then ask for a peaceful night's sleep. Finally, we go around and say, 'night-night' to all the pictures on the wall. 'Night-night cow. Night-night Jack and Jill. Night-night Humpty Dumpty.' Near the light switch is a beautiful picture of Jesus. He is the last one we see and we kiss Him good night. Then I kiss Emily good night. Then comes the moment of truth. 'Emily, turn the light off.' She usually reaches over and flips the switch. Occasionally she'll balk, but not more than one or twice a month. In the darkness I hold her close and sing, 'I am a Child of God.' I feel her relax and sometimes hear her hum along. . . Bedtime is my favorite time with Emily. I think this ten minute ritual does more in less time to strengthen the father-daughter bonds of love than anything else we do together."

This story deals with a father caring for his sick daughter. It is a good example of ethical work.

"I've just about spent my life caring for and nurturing Megan, when I wasn't at work. Maybe the hospital is the part we like to forget but can't. When her pain got to the point that she couldn't go to the bathroom, I was the one that got to do her bedpans for her. She would only let me do it; I was the one that did that. It wasn't a thing for Mom, and she didn't want anybody else in the room. She kicked everybody out of the room--nurses, Mom--Mom had to be outside the door, and I would get the bedpan as best as I could under her bottom without hurting her. Moving the sheets hurt her. It was not a good thing. But she let me do that for her, and I was able to take care of her needs, and it helped me that I was the only one she'd let do it. That was kind of neat. You wouldn't expect bedpan shuffling to be a wonderful memory, but it was. She trusted me to do my best job to not hurt her, and that was special to me that she let me do that."

This story is about how a father physically cared for his daughter through a long adoption process.

"My life began in South Korea in 1972. Shortly after I was born, I was abandoned on a corner in the streets of Inchon, Korea. I was discovered by a police officer, and was taken to a local orphanage. My story is a common one for many Korean girls born during that time. Many mothers abandoned their baby girls because of poverty, but would keep the much preferred boy babies born to them. The orphanage I was taken to was full of babies. I was very sick, and did not have a very good chance of living because of the poor conditions that existed and the lack of medical care. During this time, my [adoptive] father was serving in the Air Force and was stationed in Korea. Upon the suggestion of my [adoptive] mother, he looked in orphanages for a baby to adopt. Shortly after I had been brought to the orphanage, my father came there, looking for a baby. He walked up and down the rows of bassinets that filled the huge room that was twice the size of a basketball gym. Every time he walked by me, I would look up at him, and he knew that I was the baby that he was supposed to adopt. It took awhile for all of the paper work to go through, so meanwhile my father cared for me. He was able to give me the medical care I needed, which saved my life. He was totally responsible for me and my care, because my mother was on the other side of the world. Finally, after eight months, I was able to go to America to meet my mother and my new home. My family always jokes that my father gave birth to me, because of the unusual circumstances in which I was brought to be with my family. My mother missed the first eight months of my life, but my father was there and was the one who brought me home to my mother. In most cases it seems to be the other way around, with the mother being primarily responsible for the infant in those early months, with the father occasionally assisting. I think my experience caused my father and I to develop a special bond. After he brought me home, he continued to care for me when he could, and felt a closeness to me that he had not felt with his other two children."

Child-Related Maintenance

Child-Related Maintenance involves cleaning, laundering, cooking, repairing, and creating child-centered spaces. This story, an example of mentoring work, tells of a father who took care of the house and children and how much it helped the wife, especially during the time she was unable to help.

"I had surgery about three years ago and we had just adopted Nicole and it wasn't even three years ago because she is only two and a half, and she was only three months old and it was a major surgery. I could not do hardly any of the things that I needed to do and he [Tom] was right there. Tom took care of the house as much as he could. He made appointments too, you know, have people come in and bring food. He cooked, he shopped, he helped my mother with all types of things, he took care of the children. He made sure that he brought the children up to see me because he knew how much that meant to me. And, I remember he brought them in, you know, one by one and lifted them up and let me see the kids. So he took care of me really well then, and there are several other times, but I remember that."

Shared Interests

Shared Interests includes developing expertise together, reading together, etc. It is an important part of relationship work. This story shows how a father and son spent time together at a meeting, sharing their interests in regional medical problems.

"I was doing research, probably when I was a freshman in college or senior in high school, and I wrote a paper on regional medical programs. I chose this off-the-wall political topic and [my father] was involved in regional medical program planning for the federal government at the time. We rode up to Sale Lake City and I watched him in some board of directors meeting, and watched them transact the business. Then we talked about it on the way home and it was just kind of nice. We talked about that and other things, and we were just close. It's just that I had him all to myself and we were riding home together, and we were generally talking about the future and things that we were doing, lessons that we had learned, things that he had done as a kid, etc."

Availability

Availability to attend a child's events (sports, music, etc.), leading activities (scouts, PTA, coaching, etc.), participating in leisure activities, or just spending time together are other ways in which fathers are involved with their children. The first account is of a son who appreciated having his dad attend his wrestling meet.

"The one (experience) that sticks out was when I was wrestling in high school. I was going for the state championship. He and all my brothers were there-- there are six boys in the family, so there were five boys there with dad. You wrestle with all these other guys all year round, but he was there when I won. I didn't care about everybody else-- dad was there."

This story is about a father who learned from sad experience why he should attend his son's swimming meets.

"Last month I felt in my gut what happens when you don't put family first. My son Steven had his first ever swim meet. He loves to compete and show off for Dad. I know he was counting on me being there. As the hour approached, I had a little last minute research request at work and I opted to complete the request before I left. As a result, I ended up leaving just a few minutes later than I had planned. Well, the wind storm made the commute home just a little longer than usual, and I arrived just in time to see Steven getting out of the water after his very first race. I missed it! It is an experience that can never be recreated! When he's an Olympic swimmer I'll never be able to say I saw his first competitive race. And I missed so I could finish an unimportant task at work. The really ironic thing is that the next day we ended up not even needing the research I had done. I learned very clearly that my place at that moment in time was at the pool with my son, not at the office with my computer! I vow not to miss other important firsts in my son's life."

The next two stories are good examples of recreation work. This first story is about a father that tried to put aside his own pain to help his daughter learn to ride her bike.

"One of the kids was out trying to ride a bicycle and I came home. One of the kids asked me to come out and help them learn to ride or watch them, and I went out there in pain. I thought, "I don't know why I'm doing this," but something forced me to go out and suffer some more. But she learned to ride the bike that day. I just held her up for a second and ran along by her and next thing I knew she was riding the bike . . . You do learn things almost instantaneously when they do happen, and if you miss that moment then you've missed the moment. There is nothing else you can say . . . You have to do them or you miss them forever, and I mean forever . . . I don't want those moments to pass with me and my children."

In this story, a divorced father attends his son's scouting event.

"Their father lives an hour away and is as active in their lives as he can be at that distance. He is the most involved, caring divorced father that I have ever known or heard about. For that I am thankful; it eases the trauma of divorce for the boys and for me! Just last night we had the pinewood derby and Randy came with the cars that he and they had built. They had spent a lot of time on the cars and over the past couple of years Randy has learned lots of ways to make cars that go fast! The boys won first and second place, the first time they've even placed and it was just fun for all of us. I'm glad he is there for them."

Planning

Planning for birthdays, vacations/trips, holidays, appointments, and the education and future of a child are all ways that fathers can be involved. This story, also a good example of recreation work, is about a father that planned a fishing trip with his daughter.

"Sun poured into my bedroom as I awoke. The day that I had been looking forward to for weeks had finally arrived. It was the day that my father and I were going on our daddy-daughter date. To the envy of my brothers, my father and I loaded up the car with a picnic lunch and fishing equipment. It was our day to bond, to talk, and to just be together. As we drove up the mountain we talked about the fish that we should catch, and laughed at funny stories that each of us told. Excitement filled the car as we pondered the events to come. After about forty minutes we arrived at our destination, a secluded spot with a deep pool of water, and huge rocks to sit on while we fished and talked. We fished for hours but we did not catch anything. Some how during lunch one of the fishing poles fell into the water. In disbelief we watched as it sank to the bottom of the river. After lunch my father lowered me into the water to get the fishing pole. I remember how strong the grip of my fathers hands were as they held on to mine. His face had the look of worry and support as he watched me swim to the bottom of the river to get the fishing pole. As I swam to the top and handed him the pole, joy spread across his face. He was relieved that I made the journey safely. The grasp that pulled me out of the water was stronger than the one that let me go. In that instant I knew that my father loved me."

This story tells of the planning and work a father did to make his daughter's wedding beautiful. It is a good example of ethical work.

"My older sister and I got engaged just a few nights apart. I had always hoped to have a backyard reception and it was decided that that would be most inexpensive. However, we had forgotten what a mess the backyard was. Still, my dad had a vision of what could be done with that jungle. He began to fix it up immediately, striving to meet the end of the summer deadline . . . He had the challenge of pulling out dead trees, weeds, bushes, dead grass, and planting new flowers and plants. He became absorbed in this activity, taking time off work and free time to create a heavenly backyard . . . There was not a day that went by that I did not see my father in his grungy clothes with dirt stained knees and sweat on his face. I was amazed at all he was doing to make my wedding wonderful . . . My greatest memory came, however, on the actual wedding day. The ceremony and luncheon were over and we were back at my house preparing for the reception. I had an hour or so before I needed to get back into my wedding dress, so I thought I'd go out back to see how the set up was coming. I walked out to the backyard and marveled at how beautiful everything looked. The tables were neatly set, flowers bloomed, the cake was gorgeous, and the sky was magnificently blue and orange. I sat down on the swing chair to sink in all I saw and felt. My dad followed shortly after and sat down next to me. We did not speak for a few moments but simply gazed at the wonder of the moment. My eyes began to burn as I thought of all my dad had done the past summer to make this the most special occasion of my life. In a choked up voice, and with tears streaming down my face I said, 'Dad, this is the happiest day of my life.' And I meant it with all my heart. He put his arm around me and pulled me close to him. I rested my head on his big, safe shoulder and smiled through my tears. I then told him I loved him and he returned with the same adding, 'It is beautiful, isn't it?' His way of showing us he loves us is by doing and sacrificing for us. I have always felt of importance to him because of that. I don't think my father needed to be at home full time in order for me to have understood that love. The backbreaking work he did all summer for that one, quick day said it better than a thousand words could have. In my case, it wasn't what my father said to express his love, but how he showed it."

Shared Activities

Shared Activities include going places (movies, parks, etc.) exercising, shopping, playing, working, and eating together. It is an important part of relationship work. The first story tells how a busy father made time to be with his son and family.

"Just wanting to spend time with your kids is not enough. You've got to be creative and make time for them. For example, instead of taking the hospital shuttle bus from St. Luke's hospital in 113th street to our apartment on 37th street, I started jogging home through Central Park. By combining my exercises with my travel time home, I created new time for my family. . . As a resident in the hospital there are times when I'm away from home several days at a time. In that case we have to go to extra lengths to share activities. We will do anything just to be together. We've even had a BBQ on the roof of a hospital in the middle of Harlem. I may have just come from treating the casualties of the drug war, but seeing my family immediately transports me into a unique and loving world. . .While the other residents talk about getting out the orthopedic books as soon as they get home, I get out the Lego's and play with Brandon. In Manhattan you have to be right with your children all the time. You can't trust them to even cross the street alone. So I've developed into Brandon's major playmate. Because of this I always try to say "Yes" when he asks me to play. Even if I have to be going somewhere in fifteen minutes, I will say "Yes" and play. I don't want him to hear me say "No" too often."

This next example is about a father who unselfishly ran along side his daughter and helped her succeed in a race.

"Each year, the physical education department of my junior high school sponsored a 3 mile fun run, named the "Cougar Challenge." Students and parents were encouraged to enter the race. As members of the basketball team, my coach told us that we were required to run the race, which was to be held early on a Saturday morning. I decided to ask my father, who is a seasoned runner, to participate in the race. Since my father was always looking for a race to run in, he naturally accepted the invitation. We ran a couple of times before the race and he gave me pointers. We even went to the junior high and ran the course we would run for the race. The day of the Cougar Challenge arrived. We got to the school and stretched and warmed up together. Many people were there, including many of my friends and their fathers and/or mothers. Since many of these people were also our neighbors, my father knew them and acknowledged their presence. My dad joked around with them about placing bets on which one of them would win their division. The race began. We got a good start and established a pace that was faster than what I was used to running. We pulled ahead of my friends quickly. I expected my father to eventually pass me up and I even challenged him before the race to run hard and beat my physical education teachers. As we ran, though, he never left my side. My pace started to slow as the race progressed, which slowed him down a great deal. But he never pulled ahead, though it would have been so easy for him to do so. Gradually, my friends' fathers started to pass us up--the same ones that my father had jokingly challenged before the race. They had passed up their daughters, and they were competing fiercely among themselves. My dad kept by my side, though, encouraging me to push harder. As a result, I placed third out of all the girls in the school who ran it. My father didn't place. It was the hardest race I have ever ran, and I would not have done so well if he hadn't stayed by my side, prodding and encouraging me to do my best. Given the competitive nature of my father, what he did was an extremely unselfish act and typifies his character."

This story tells how a father and his children worked together.

"When my father came home from work at approximately six every evening, we thought he would want to quit for the evening, but he would always round us up to go pick cantaloupe. When we picked melons with Dad, he would carry the bags for the melons while we would hunt for the ripe melons. I would get so excited when I found a ripe melon on the vine that I would jump up and down, pick it, and throw it to Dad. Although I'm sure that he had seen a million of these melons just like the one I had picked, he would be almost as excited as I was and compliment me on the nice melon that I had picked. No matter how many melons that I became excited about, my Dad was always just as excited as I was. It was not only picking the melons that was important. My dad made me feel he couldn't get by without my help. Dad would always thank us and let us know that what we did was appreciated. Probably the best thing that Dad did while we were in the melon patch was to talk with us. He would ask us how our day had been and what we had accomplished. I always felt when we were in the melon patch I could tell Dad anything. I had more heart to heart talks with my father while in the melon patch then at any other time I can remember."

Providing

Providing financing, housing, clothing, food, medical care, insurance, transportation, education, extracurricular activities, and toys and equipment are also ways fathers are involved in their children's lives. It is an important part of stewardship work. The first story tells how grateful a child was for the sacrifices his father made in providing for their family.

"It takes continual effort, and there are these two poles that are tugging at you. You've got family, and you've got your profession and your education, and you can't abandon either one. It's very easy to fall into the profession. My Dad, I think, he had seven children and a job that didn't pay all that much, and so he was repairing violins and restringing bows, working in the Navy Reserve, etc. I remember him having three or four different jobs at one point, in which he would do something. But he needed that, you know, he really did. It wasn't easy for him keeping the family fed. So he had to spend a lot of time. He recognized this and he sent us to college, and paid our tuition for those of us that didn't have scholarships. He gave us a stipend every month to live so we wouldn't have to work, so that we could study, so that we could get out and get good jobs. It really boggled my mind when I graduated with my master's degree and found out that my starting salary was about equivalent to what my Dad was earning right then, and it's doubled since then. He really had to struggle hard, and he wasn't able to take the time."

This narrative expresses the appreciation a daughter felt because of the special handmade gift she received from her father for Christmas.

"When I was a young girl my family did not have much money. My father worked hard to get us what we needed, but with four small children and not a big income we did not have many extras. One Christmas when I was about eight or nine I really wanted a play stove. My parents told me that Santa tried hard to get every little girl all that she wanted but it didn't always work out. I remember thinking I really wanted that stove, but even if Santa could bring me some dishes or play food it would be alright. On Christmas morning there was a big white stove under the tree for me, and some dishes! I was so excited. It had turning dials and everything. I'd never seen a stove so neat--I was so lucky! In later years I came to know that my Dad had built the stove out of a piece of plywood and bottle caps for dials. He painted four black burners on top and it even had an oven with two shelves inside. He spent very little money and probably not all that much time, but to me it meant more that he'll know. My stove was the best and most original on the block, and the one made with the most love."

Affection

Affection includes loving, hugging, kissing, cuddling, tickling, smiling, making eye contact, and having a genuine friendship with a child. The father in the first story held and loved his son when he was sick and frightened.

"Tim is the one among my children that gets croup every year, and three years ago he spent three days and two nights in the hospital with croup. Croup is the craziest thing because it hits without any warning. He'll be fine going to sleep and wake up hoarse, unable to breathe, etc. and ten days ago that happened to him. At 1:00 he just came screaming into the room, almost hysterical, so I picked him up but he was fighting. Tim is at the point right now where he is trying to define his own independence. So, like every other two or three-year old they want to do it themselves. They don't want your help. They don't understand that you are not helping them because you don't think that they can't do it, you just want to offer your assistance. That's the way Tim is right now. So, he came running in right then and didn't want anything to do with Dad or Mom, but he was panic-stricken and didn't know what was going on. He said, "Dad, the mirror!" He wanted to see himself in the mirror to make sure that he was still there and was all right! So, I had to pick him up and as soon as he saw that he was okay he made me put him down. Tim has to do things on his own time frame right now, and about five minutes later he'd calmed down enough that he came to me and I was able to hug him and hold him, then steady him while we went to the hospital."

Going to bed is also a time when many fathers give their children affection, as illustrated in this story, which is also a good example of spiritual work.

"In the division of labor in our home it has fallen upon me to put the 18-month old baby of our family to sleep at night. Emily and I feel so close to each other at this time on the edge of dreams... I take her in my arms and we say a prayer thanking God for the beautiful world and her wonderful family and for each sibling and parent and grandparent and everything else. . . and then ask for a peaceful night's sleep. Finally, we go around and say, 'night-night' to all the pictures on the wall. 'Night-night cow. Night-night Jack and Jill. Night-night Humpty Dumpty.' Near the light switch is a beautiful picture of Jesus. He is the last one we see and we kiss Him good night. Then I kiss Emily good night. Then comes the moment of truth. 'Emily, turn the light off.' She usually reaches over and flips the switch. Occasionally she'll balk, but not more than one or twice a month. In the darkness I hold her close and sing, 'I am a Child of God.' I feel her relax and sometimes hear her hum along. . . Bedtime is my favorite time with Emily. I think this ten minute ritual does more in less time to strengthen the father-daughter bonds of love than anything else we do together."

The story is about the love a father gave to his daughter on her wedding day.

"My greatest memory came, however, on the actual wedding day. The ceremony and luncheon were over and we were back at my house preparing for the reception. I had an hour or so before I needed to get back into my wedding dress, so I thought I'd go out back to see how the set up was coming. I walked out to the backyard and marveled at how beautiful everything looked. The tables were neatly set, flowers bloomed, the cake was gorgeous, and the sky was magnificently blue and orange. I sat down on the swing chair to sink in all I saw and felt. My dad followed shortly after and sat down next to me. We did not speak for a few moments but simply gazed at the wonder of the moment. My eyes began to burn as I thought of all my dad had done the past summer to make this the most special occasion of my life. In a choked up voice, and with tears streaming down my face I said, 'Dad, this is the happiest day of my life.' And I meant it with all my heart. He put his arm around me and pulled me close to him. I rested my head on his big, safe shoulder and smiled through my tears. I then told him I loved him and he returned with the same adding, 'It is beautiful, isn't it?'"

Protection

Protection involves monitoring safety, arranging a safe environment, and providing safe play equipment such as bike helmets, life jackets, etc. This story is about a father and how he made sure his daughter was safe and protected. It is a good example of stewardship work.

"In an earlier semester, I had to walk to the school every morning. . . It was usually about a forty-five minute walk. . . . In the wintertime [in China], very early in the morning, my father would always walk me to school and make sure that I was okay on the road . . . Usually we went there early in the morning and tried to get to school by the time it was light, which means that we had to wake up before it was light. We had to carry a lot of our rice and other things to the school so that we had something to eat. My father would never let me carry those things, he would always carry those things for me. In the early winter mornings, it was very cold and there was a lot of strong wind. We didn't have money to buy me a new hat and so he would put his hat, which he had from years ago, on me. It was too big for my head, but it kept my head warm. He himself would use a cold towel--the towel he washed his face with the previous night. There was no heat in the house, of course, unlike America, and so in the morning that towel was frozen. It was frozen solid. But he would wrap that towel around his ears because of the wind in the winter. I will never forget that. . . . When you are nurtured and cared for then you are the one to transform that love to the next generation."

This story shows the protective nature of a father as he watches his daughter retrieve a lost fishing pole.

"Sun poured into my bedroom as I awoke. The day that I had been looking forward to for weeks had finally arrived. It was the day that my father and I were going on our daddy-daughter date. To the envy of my brothers, my father and I loaded up the car with a picnic lunch and fishing equipment. It was our day to bond, to talk, and to just be together. As we drove up the mountain we talked about the fish that we should catch, and laughed at funny stories that each of us told. Excitement filled the car as we pondered the events to come. After about forty minutes we arrived at our destination, a secluded spot with a deep pool of water, and huge rocks to sit on while we fished and talked. We fished for hours but we did not catch anything. Some how during lunch one of the fishing poles fell into the water. In disbelief we watched as it sank to the bottom of the river. After lunch my father lowered me into the water to get the fishing pole. I remember how strong the grip of my fathers hands were as they held on to mine. His face had the look of worry and support as he watched me swim to the bottom of the river to get the fishing pole. As I swam to the top and handed him the pole, joy spread across his face. He was relieved that I made the journey safely. The grasp that pulled me out of the water was stronger than the one that let me go. In that instant I knew that my father loved me."

Supporting Emotionally

Supporting Emotionally means giving encouragement and assisting the child in developing interests. It is an important part of relationship work. This story is about a child that benefited from the encouragement her father gave her in her schooling.

"I remember as my twin sister and I were leaving Saudi Arabia, where we had just spent the summer for the first time ever, we were leaving to come to BYU (the two of us--actually she was going to Ricks, and I was going to BYU). There was the question of the station wagon, which was still here stateside, and who was going to get it. There was a little bit of arguing going on about who should have the car. I remember my Dad saying that maybe we ought to give it to the one who had the scholarship, and wasn't costing as much money to support. It made me feel like he valued me, like I had been approved by my father. In that same conversation and context, he was talking about how he really wanted us to succeed in school, so that we wouldn't have to struggle like he had. It was just a really . . . it was a boost, it was a push. I felt like as I left the nest that I could succeed, that my Dad was behind me and he wanted me to succeed, and he believed that I would. It was just a neat feeling."

This story tells of how the encouragement of a father helped a daughter feel better about a hard time she was going through.

"I feel like I know Trina. I sense Trina, so that I know when she's having a problem and is trying to get through it on her own. I can sense it. I can sense when I need to delve into that and when I need to back off and let her handle it. . . . In August we were at church and she was coming down the hall and going to Sunday School. . . . I looked at her and knew that something was wrong. I said, "Trina, come here. What's wrong?" "Oh, nothing," she said. I said, "Trina, what's wrong?" And then the tears. It had to do with one of those kid things, her friends not wanting to talk to her, doing this and that, so we walked around the chapel and talked about it. I said, "That doesn't mean it's your problem. You've got to remember that kids are mean to each other sometimes." I helped her put it in perspective. We walked around a little bit more till she could get herself together, and then she went back to class and she was fine."

This story is about a father who provided encouragement and direction for his children after they made a mistake.

"As children we make some really stupid mistakes, and we learn a lot from these mistakes. The experience that stands out in my mind is a funny but sad one. My family was going camping, and my dad had pulled out the tents and sleeping bags a few days prior to our departure. My little brother and I were convinced that we could put the tent up by ourselves. We were going to sleep in it the night before we left. We proceeded to put the tent up in the back yard, and put the sleeping bags and pillows inside of it. We were so proud of ourselves that we had to tell someone. My mom and dad came out to see what we had accomplished. As we crawled inside and started to proclaim our intelligence the tent came crashing down. We didn't know what we had done wrong, all the poles were in the right places. My dad smiled and said, 'You forgot to put each pole in its pocket.' I am sure that we looked totally discouraged and confused. He showed us where we went wrong, and helped us re-put up the tent. I think that because he helped us and showed us the way to do things properly, after we had made a mistake, we learned a lot more."

This last account tells how much a father's encouragement can help a child continue when the going gets hard. It is a great example of ethical work.

"Each year, the physical education department of my junior high school sponsored a 3 mile fun run, named the "Cougar Challenge." Students and parents were encouraged to enter the race. As members of the basketball team, my coach told us that we were required to run the race, which was to be held early on a Saturday morning. I decided to ask my father, who is a seasoned runner, to participate in the race. Since my father was always looking for a race to run in, he naturally accepted the invitation. We ran a couple of times before the race and he gave me pointers. We even went to the junior high and ran the course we would run for the race. The day of the Cougar Challenge arrived. We got to the school and stretched and warmed up together. Many people were there, including many of my friends and their fathers and/or mothers. Since many of these people were also our neighbors, my father knew them and acknowledged their presence. My dad joked around with them about placing bets on which one of them would win their division. The race began. We got a good start and established a pace that was faster than what I was used to running. We pulled ahead of my friends quickly. I expected my father to eventually pass me up and I even challenged him before the race to run hard and beat my physical education teachers. As we ran, though, he never left my side. My pace started to slow as the race progressed, which slowed him down a great deal. But he never pulled ahead, though it would have been so easy for him to do so. Gradually, my friends' fathers started to pass us up--the same ones that my father had jokingly challenged before the race. They had passed up their daughters, and they were competing fiercely among themselves. My dad kept by my side, though, encouraging me to push harder. As a result, I placed third out of all the girls in the school who ran it. My father didn't place. It was the hardest race I have ever ran, and I would not have done so well if he hadn't stayed by my side, prodding and encouraging me to do my best. Given the competitive nature of my father, what he did was an extremely unselfish act and typifies his character."